React vs Respond : A mindful difference

Let’s say you go to a crowded place (a concert, sporting event, a railway station etc.). As you are walking along, you bump into someone. That person looks at you, and before you can say anything, they push you.Why would they do this? They might have the perception that you bumped into them on purpose and that you wanted to start some sort of confrontation. They didn’t even give you a chance to apologize, or to consider that you bumped into them because you were pushed from behind.

They reacted. They pushed you without pausing to think why it happened. It was automatic and thoughtless. It was a reaction.Now, imagine if the other person paused before pushing you. If they had actually paused, they would have heard your apology and likely would have responded peacefully instead of reacting angrily. When we pause and think about our options, we are responding.

Most people always REACT .  It happens something like this:  I have had a day at work, I have a set of experiences and memories of other such days.  I have a lifetime of experiences with people. I have a lifetime of memories of happiness or unhappiness or a mixture of both.  A woman walks up to me and starts yelling at me because her appointment is late. Instantly, a part of my mind  is calling up all the memories of being yelled at.  It is reviewing a series of filing cabinet drawers with “Yelling women” and takes me back to a memory as a child when I was screamed at by my mother, it makes me want to cry.  Quickly then that crying impulse is researched in those filing cabinets and I find the last time I cried and how angry I was.. I vowed never to cry.  That’s it, Damn it!  I hate this woman!!!! A simplified example, but you get the idea.

We have to realize that it is not the shouting of that woman,your father,your boss or your wife that disturbs you, but it’s your inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs you. It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturb you, but your inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs you. More than the problem, it’s your reaction to the problem that creates chaos in your life. 

To me, the fundamental difference between a reaction and a response is a conscious choice. A reaction is a reflex born out of habit. A response is a conscious choice born out of being present and aware in the moment.